Though my posts are read by only a few, I want to share some of what I am feeling right now. If I were the analytical type, which I am not, I might say I am in the "Intimacy and Solidarity Stage of Eriksons 7 Stages of Development. I believe that my siblings and I all managed to make it through these stages adequately and without being seriously stunted anywhere along the way(Its a flipping miracle, I tell ya).

So Point 1; I think I'm doing OK and am where I ought to be socially and psychologically (man, try to spell that one when you've had a few) for this stage of my life.

I cannot say the same is true for my Mum. I believe that life (her earlier life) dealt her some pretty lean nurturance that resulted in her feeling somehow lacking in all things. These things are carrided over into other stages, leaving her feeling always left behind, defensive, insecure and righteous. Thank God for peers and Fathers! We may have turned out a great deal differently, had we only one parent to teach us of the world.

My poor old Mum has spent a lifetime worrying about meeting the approval of others. She tried very hard to teach me to be equally as concerned, but failed to do so, causing her no end of misery. I am, as anyone who knows me would agree, unfazed by the general opinions of others. This has always caused my Mum distress, but she may be getting used to it or at least, too tired to keep trying to change me.

Point 2; I do lack a healthy sense of accomplishment. This is largely due to my "Fear of Failure", and I inherited that little gem from Dear Old Dad who, like me, worked very hard to hide his talents from the world and to never risk too much. I am aware of this and would truly like to strive to change it, but need intensive therapy for this that I cannot afford at this time. So, we all have to live with my lackluster impression of me for the time being while I cope with every day shit that pummels me into submission.

This brings me, once again to Mum, who is once again lying in a hospital bed with a variety of ailments that are brought on like clockwork every time anything new or stressful is introduced into her otherwise dull schedule. I will also state that this same scenario plays out every time I express a negative emotion to my mother, who does not cope well with having to confront her manipulative behavior. Ooops, I said what I felt, (I dont like to be manipulated) thereby causing no end of piteousness and sadness and ultimately sending my Mum off to the hospital where she can be tended to by "professionals" who really care.

Phew! I feel better now. I think I'll head off to bed where I will have fabulous dreams and wake refreshed and ready to take on the world....HA! I dont think so.

I am off to bed but I wont dream and I will wake up wishing I could just sleep a few days longer.

Nighty Night.