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Cadw'r Ddysgl yn Wastad
Monday, January 30, 2006
Wimp Out
I seriously discourage anyone who sees the world in shades of grey from becoming a parent. I have always been, and will always be , one of those people who see things from all angles of a problem, all sides of an argument, all ways of seeing something, and I get pretty screwed up in the process. But I am not black and white and I never will be. Therefore, having babies, who somehow grew up to be people(with very strong personalities) gives me pause at every moment. I am a seriously strong personality, but I raised people who are stronger than me !!!

Now, what the Hell do I do? I hate fights, I avoid disruption, I am affraid of antagonism. But, "fuck with me" and you've got a serious problem (unless you are my offspring).

My boomerang kids are here and they are screwing up my happy life.

Sunday, January 29, 2006
So, the curry was adequate. Not hot enough for my taste but I had to keep others in mind. There was no wine to swill with it cuz the "mole" was out with the car all day digging out yet another cave and didn't come home until all the stores were closed. Curry just doesn't hit the mark without a good Cab/Sauv.

Snuffy is still annoyed with me as I haven't spent real quality time with him this weekend. Its been pissing rain and its cold as hell, so all walkies are done on pavement instead of at his favorie spot -The Pit.

The "mole" came home from a day of digging under ground, on his usual high. Nothing like spending 9 hours under ground, wet, covered in mud and squeezed into a claustrophic space....YEAH, good times! He was thrilled to report that he's getting a wet suit so that he can submerge totally into water under ground in future and I dutifully said "great". Can't believe I said "great" , I should have said "Are you fucking retarded?" But no, I said "great". Great God, are you nuts? Great, now you can stay dry while you suffocate! Great balls of fire, you must have totally lost a grip.

The "mole" has mole-like friends who share his enthusiasm. They are all alike in that they are just plain strange intheir various ways. Nurds, might be a good description, yet they are all kinda interesting in their own whacky way. The "mole" so loves his passtimes that he even wrote a book on the subject so that he can share with all other moles around the country.
Its called Rock Watching - if you get the itch.

Time to get ready for work. I spent two hours searching for my keys this morning and gave up, leaving phone messages for people who could let me into my shop. I then thought I'd try to think like a "Chelsea" as she had tidied up yesterday, and this usually means "shove things in drawers so nobody can see them", and there they were. Never mind, the house looked good and I was pleased enough at the time.

Hi Ho Hi Ho
Saturday, January 28, 2006
One Saturday
Saw my friend Cam this morning. I never get to see him anymore as he moved to Toronto and although its only an hours drive, I never get there. Cam is the same. Still crazy, entertaining and lovable and we drank too much bad coffee and caught up on the events of our lives.

We walked around downtown Guelph afterward commenting on the various weirdness we saw, making up stories about strangers and laughing until our sides ached.

Then I went to the bulk food store and bought wild rice, pumkin seeds, and dried cranberries (cause I'm trying to eat better) and then went to the market to buy Snuffy some marrow bones as a peace offering. I left him at home and I NEVER leave Snuffy at home unless I'm going to work. He was sulking when I got back and looked at the bone as if I was trying to poison him. I actually had to sit on my back steps and watch him before he would consider the offering.

Such is life with Snuffy. He's still angry but I think a walk will bring him around to my way of seeing things.

The curry is bubbling away on the stove in preparation for supper (gotta run out and buy wine), the house is reasonably tidy and I'm going to soak my bones in a hot bath. And thats it for my Saturday. Not so bad really.
Wednesday, January 25, 2006
You know....everyday is a big fat "eye opener" isn't it? I went to bed at 10pm on the 23rd convinced that all would likely be O.K. in the morning. I really didn't give it that much thought. I mean the idea of Canadians voting the PC in, was ridiculous.

I woke up and thought I'd spout off to family that the Liberals were our common foe once again, and their faces dropped! They thought I'd been drinking, although it was 8am. "Mum, the PC got the countries vote", "where were you all night?" , were the words that greeted me.

I thought I'd just go back to bed and start the whole day over and see if the outcome might be different, but Snuffy was staring at me with his usual "Oh God, thankyou for getting up and saving me from these ungrateful people" , look and I knew it wasn't a nightmare and I had better DEAL.

So, I'm trying to deal and its not easy. Not in this lifetime would I ever want PC governing my country, or consider voting them in , in any conceivable way. But, here they are. I simply must deal. Thank God there is the NDP. Frankly, I think we should have collectively realized the ABSOLUTE need for another party in this political arena and my choice would be GREEN as we need an angry, vigilant Watch Dog, especially now.

So, then I call my "ever so exciting brother, who lives the life of Riley" and he is on his way to bed....at 10pm!!!! And I thought I was OLD. Apparrently, I'm not as old as my older brother.
I think the election results knocked the mickey out of him and he was simply too F---ing miserable too deal, like me.

Misery loves company, you know. Change is slow and painful, but lets do it any simple way we can
Saturday, January 14, 2006
Too many birthdays
Well, as they say in the U.K, "its been a day". Here in North America, that would be a good thing. The British are far more vague. "It has been a day" can mean just about anything, but what you know beyond a shadow of a doubt, is that it has been a doozie, good or bad.

So, do you really wanna know? There are elements of intrigue, guilt, dementia, lust, fury and sweet calm. That’s all I can say without revealing the details but I will say that life here on Foster is NEVER ever dull. I did get three pairs of new jeans, 6 pairs of socks (88 cents each) and a new mascara as a birthday prezzie from my "lubby duck". I am also supposed to make an appointment to get my hair cut (no buzz cuts) as an additional prezzie cuz I am so fabulous (and you know that means I haven't bitched at him lately). The only reason that I haven't bitched yet is cuz I fear that I cant remember where the off switch is and I may go on indefinitely, setting off a full-on war. I scare myself and my potential for devastation, but then I am in awe of ME cuz I somehow avoid it. Does this ring any bells? Am I going to Hell cuz I have sublimated all my fury? Will I be spending my golden years in a mental institution making macaroni pictures with flour and water?

Whatever...... we all seem to do the best we can, right? Maybe not the best cuz that would simply fuck everyone up so we do the best we can get away with. I'm doing the best I can get away with without being arrested, institutionalized or beaten.
Friday, January 13, 2006
Its all relative
I was feeling pretty good about things a while back. Had that long awaited studio, even got around to painting the ceiling in a funky pattern. Hadn't really convinced myself that "The Artist" had returned yet. But I was preparing.

I had the occassional phone blurp, when I had to spend an entire evening talking my children out of doing terrible things to themselves or others, but hey, thats to be expected.

I was working less hours, cooking healthier meals, keeping an extremely tidy house for the first time ever and relearning how to spend real time with my spouse. I think this scared the shit out of him at first, but he soon learned how to turn it to his advantage.

Oh, and did I mention that sex was really fab? No? Well, when you don't have to worry about anyone in the house, it can be really great. This is somthing neither me nor my significant other have EVER experienced before.

Oh, how I miss the Good 'ole days. Now I feel old and wrinkled, worn out and fed up. A good time consists of a hot bath, a big shot of vodka and a good book.

Can you remember when you felt that the world held only possibilities, especially after the sun went down? Thats what my kids feel. They come alive after 9pm when I'm preparing for bed.

I feel old. Older than time. Ancient.

I want another vodka
Thursday, January 12, 2006
Just had a brain fart there. Couldn't remember my PW but thats really not that surprising considering the state of my universe. I remembered to bath, shave my legs and brush my teeth so I should be feeling pretty good about myself.

Life here among the natives goes on as per usual. Unless you're me, you get to forget to let the water out of the bath, leave you wet towel in a soggy pile anywhere you like, use as many dishes as possible to get a glass of juice AND sleep through the early hours of the day so that when you get up, everything has miraculously righted itself and you can do it all again. Thats enough. I WIL NOT BITCH, I WILL NOT BITCH, I AM A BITCH.

But if I can't bitch, I'll have nothing to say! Only for tonight though. The problem is, I haven't had my quota of beverages tonight. My usual routine is to bring a wee glass of vodka with me as I sit to blog, but tonight I had to spend several hours in the company of my mater, and one needs all ones wits about them when in that situation. TOMORROW...theres always tomorrow, right. See you here and I promise to be semi-shitfaced.
Tuesday, January 10, 2006
I have once again, successfully avoided my psychotic neighbour.
These people moved in over two years ago. Mother (pscho), Father (barely a blip on anyones radar) and 3 children under 5 (1 with autism who likes to run away at least once a week).
The day they moved in, Tracey -their direct next door neighbour- tried the neighbourly approach and learned to regret it within a week. Mummy Dearest is a complete friggin whack job who is likely ADHD, Hyperactive and stupid all in one adorable package. The woman has NO concept of personal space or parental resonsibility.

One time this past Spring I was on my way to work - on foot- and had to walk right past
'pscho ladies front door " and as I made the approach, averting my eyes, a child bolted out the front door, down the steps and onto sidewalk in front of me. Not wanting a goddam thing to do with anyone in this particular household, I minded my business and trundled on. Then it occured to me that this boy was in socks, the temperature was maybe 23 degrees and the front door from where he made his escape was wide open and a screaming sound was echoing outwards. I had no choice. I ran to the front door and yelled "Your son is running down Yorkshire and he's wearing socks". Yeah....thats what came to mind at that moment. Not very helpful but, there you have it.

This elicited a torrent of screeches, verbal assaults and choas as the entire human content of the household (pscho Mum, dazed Dad and two very young pschos) spilled out the door, right past me as though I wasn't there and down the road on foot and in the family min van in hot pursuit. Obviously, a routine that was very familiar to all of them.

I needed no more introduction to my new neighbours. I have since been stalwartly absent, noncommital, mute and oblivious. Its working for me.

But then...OH MY DEAR GOD. I was walking my dear 'ole dog the other morning and just as I was doing my very best to sneeak past unnoticed, the dog decides to start barking insanely at someone behind me. Yup! Pscho Lady. "Hello, nice morning" I say.

She looks at me as if my dog just crapped on her foot and strutted past like her ass was on fire. I'm confused now. But not so messed up that I want to know what the hell was going on in that mind of hers.

I really like most of my neighbours. I do. I take part in our summer Street Fest, Bring munchies, sing along, play with the kids, the dogs, talk the the normal people. Its just pscho lady I can't deal with.

I'm a nice person...really
Monday, January 09, 2006
Where are all you burnt out, overworked, underappreciated people? I know you're out there cuz I read your Blogs. Am I simply a free floating "complaint speck" out there in space, dillusional in thinking someone else is reading this drivel and sharing my thoughts?

Someone is likely finding these posts from all over the planet in their various languages, compiling them and making some determination about the dissatisfaction of the human race and planning some kind of interstellar invasion of "overly gratuitous husbands, helpful children and satisfied bosses" that will soon overtake the planet with the skills needed to Happify all undervalued women around the world. Jeez, doesn't sound so bad , really. I could live with it. How about you?
Saturday, January 07, 2006
All is not lost. Talked to my Guru, my Shamman, my big bro, who, once he understood my dilema, talked me down, put out a fire or two, explained that its not possible for someone else to wipe me out of cyber existence. I'm OK now. A little shaken and in need of another glass of red, but much better than 20 minutes ago when all seemed so bleak.

Families! Just gotta make sure they know whos' the big boss around here, I guess.
Funny how I can have several fights in one day. Really, I'm a fairly nice person on the whole but today has been one friggin thing after another that has shown me my lowly place in the grand scheme of my rotten, selfish familys idea of a life for Mum.

I bought myself two CDs a few days ago and I really wanted to listen to them. I put the first one on, Led Zepplin, and a minute later the Lord of the manor came home a told me that 1). he didn't realize that I was a fan (as if its a desease) and 2). he was unable to concentrate while the music was blasting, (my stereo volume goes up to 34 without any distortion and I had it at 10).

Then, OH MY GOD, I go to check my email and the Lord has decided to open his own gmail account thereby deleting mine from the cyber universe. I have NO account now as he stole my last account (with another shitty provider) for his own selfish purposes, AND THEN DELETED MY LATEST ONE!!!!!! Am I here or is it all some nightmare I'm having from which I will wake and realize that I am a real person, a person who has rights and a place in the world?

So, yes, I have lost my temper twice today as I'm beginning to feel like a non-entity here in this house that I slave over, cook for everyone in, wash everyones clothes in and CANNOT LIVE IN as a real, honest to goodness being.

Incidently, the two CDs were Pink Floyd and Led Zepplin and I was head banging for old times sake. I decided to play them anyway, louder than 10 , and felt it was worth the silent treatment that ensued for the next hour.

So, yes, I can be a bitch. But I have to be forced into it.
Thursday, January 05, 2006
Where are you people? Am I totally alone in my own Blog universe? Is this Hell? Is this how it all ends, me trying desperately to reach out to the suburban, domesticated masses and being ignored again and again?

Yeah! Well, Fuck that. Here I am and deal. I am the norm and though you may hate the idea of it, you have to admit, I'm pretty damn average, Huh?

So, I'm lucky to have a Blog in which to rant and rave. It was a Christmas present, O.K.
My big brother, who treats me so well, although this was not always the case and I feel compelled to reveal that I was the victim of many horrible tricks and pranks throughout my most impressionable years, has since seen the error of his ways and recognized the jewel of a sister that I have always been and has chosen to treat me well!

O.K. then! I think I'd better go and have a nice quiet bubble bath now. A place where nobody can get to me. A place where my dog sits and waits for me and lovinging watches while I wind down. A place where my two rather large ange demanding children CANNOT get at me.

Goodnight world
Wednesday, January 04, 2006
Going into the closet
I haven't said too much up until now about my previously blissful "empty nest" as it is no longer empty and I've been adjusting to the manic, chaotic, noisy, wacky house that I again share with my two grown children and the other child that I married.

For roughly 5 months, it was me, my dog and my spouse and given our rather divergent hours, I had the place to myself every weekday evening. I liked it. ALOT. I relearned how to be alone and to do stuff with my time that I forgot how to do, like shave my legs, use hair spray, listen to Pink Floyd really loud, etc. The dog liked it too cuz he got me all to himself and got taken on many walks, had me seranade him, groom him and treat him like my best bud.

All is lost. I am desperately trying to find quiet corners in the house to hide from these needy people who seem lost without my presence. As long as they cant find me, they seem to get along reasonably well, but if they catch so much as a glimps of me, they become infants.

Whats up with that?
Sid Update
For all you many many folks who read my Blog (yeah, I wish), an update on Sid Vicious is nessessary. Sid died on December 30th, wrapped in a quilt and lying peacefully on my lap.
He was very old and very tired and he knew he was loved right up to the end.

I won't go on or I wont be able to see the screen any more. And thats it for the Sid files.
I will be back here later, though.