I have resolved that 2007 is going to be MY YEAR!!!! I am going to start, as of January 1st, 2007, to pay attention to me. To be fair, this neglect of ME has been my own doing and I have no one to blame, but I now feel I should pay closer attention to the id and ego.
For starters, I am going to get a tan. Then I am going to buy myself some decent clothes. Then I am going to get my studio up again even if its only a corner in my bedroom (sorry about the smell of turps, Mole) and then I am going to go on a holiday somewhere where I can relax, drink funny drinks, tan and swim! I will takes thousands of pics, transpose them onto canvas or watercolour paper and make beautiful things again.
And as an aside to me personally, I am cracking the whip! The Mole will be driven to clean up the mess that we call our kitchen, the Baby Mole will be nagged so ruthlessly that he will either move out or find a job where he works 80 hours a week and Princess MustHaveA will be stunned to discover that I'm not actually just waiting for her to call so that I can run around for her!
Life is going to be good and "I" am going to be at the center of it all!
Seems I'm taking the same advice I gave, some 12 years ago, to my Mum. I waited painfully beside my Dads hospital bed, watching him die and thought ,(not without a great deal of guilt), that death ought to be quick and painless. Aferward, I coached my Mum through a very long and painful bereivement by saying "one day at a time".
I'm using that same advice on myself now and it seems to be working. Almost two weeks have passed and I can actually speak about Shaka without dissolving into tears and icing my eyes afterwards.
BUT....and this bothers me alot, I have found that, now that the initial grief has passed, others are not open to talking about my magnificant Shaka. I WANT to talk about him. He was ALL to me for 9 years and two weeks isn't enough time to just forget him. My life was all about him and my life has changed over night and I'm not adjusting as quickly as others would like. I NEED TO TELL PEOPLE ABOUT MY BOY.
I went shopping today. I bought a magazine and some drain cleaner. I spent the entire morning, until 1pm, running my Mum around town to buy the things she needed. I listened endlessly to her about the things that matter to her and I said NOT A SINGLE WORD ABOUT ME. I just knew that it was not the time.
There seems to be an unwritten rule that "the time has passed" and that I am not welcome to speak of my loss any more as it makes others feel BAD.
Well, I feel bad about 93 times a day. Whenever I do anything, from get up in the morning to drive to the corner store, every single thing I do makes me think of SHaka. He was with me for all of it and he was there with such happiness and love that everything feels hollow and empty.
I won't blog about Shaka anymore. It is sad. It is my sadness and I have to find a way to feel alright to be alone with it. But, this is a memorial to him.
So the David Caruso thing was a bit of a ruse. I really wanted to say what I mean but thought the depth of my sorrow would drive you all away. I still mean every single word I said about "Horatio", but he's not so important in the bigger scheme of things.
One week, one day and 6 hours 11 minutes ago, my best friends died. His name was Shaka. We call him Snuffy (hence the name of this site), Snuppy, Silly and My Boy. He was 8 years 8 months old. He was a huge, furry, gorgeous Golden Retreiver who won hundred of hearts with his gigantic personality. He is not here anymore and its killing me.
It seems unbelievable that a dog could leave such an enormous hole, but he has. I look all around me at others with pets and few come close to the relationship I had with my dog. He was ALL. He made sense of every horrible day, of every lousy weekend and of all things that made me lose sight of what mattered. He made my world revolve. I loved him. I will always love him. And I miss him with every single thought and breath that I take.
I have been taught a lesson of my time with Snuffy and that is; I invest everything into my relationships. I expect little from them but when they are gone, I wither.
I just wanted to tell everyone who didn't know us personally, that I ache so deeply right now that I could implode. Let there be a place where he is that I will someday find him again.
Who would like to join my newly developed "I HATE DAVID CARUSO" club? I just know that there has to be thousands of you out there who share in my utter disgust of this man and his pathetic acting. "What I'm goinna need from you"..."Here's what I'm goinna do"...all the while being sure to flash the badge every few seconds lest we forget how important and intimidating he is.
I couldn't stand him on NYPD Blues and I am repelled by him further on CSI Miami. I'm actually getting a bit sick of all the CSI's these days so maybe I'll just have to find myself another show to obsess over.
I need to hear from you folks who share in my sentiments on "Horatio". Tell me what you love most about our boy. Is it his stunning good looks? Is it his superb acting skills? Is it that revolting way he waves a gun around without so much as looking at where he's pointing it? or is it how he looks away from whomever he's speaking to as if he can't lower himself to make eye contact, or he's far too brilliant to play social niceties with othere mere mortals. TELL ME TELL ME TELL ME!!!!
Missing since May of 2006, these friends are lost and much needed. They became a valuable asset just after Christmas 2005 when my feet turned blue and then were coveted by all members of this family, shortly thereafter.
The left one answers to the name Tina and the right, Tony! If you have seen either, could you please tell them to come home to Momma as her feet are missing them terribly.