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Cadw'r Ddysgl yn Wastad
Monday, March 27, 2006
Goin Shoppin'

Actually, I'm getting on the bus, riding it to our biggest mall and looking at all the pretty things.
I might even charge something if I feel the need. Its been the most beautiful Spring day, the sun has been shining since early this morning and I should know because I get up at 5:30am.

I took Snuffster to "the pit" and let him snuffle around for sleepy mice and rabbits. If he ever really found one I think he might just go nuts ,but then he's so slow he'd have to watch the little rodents as they scurried away. Even mice don't fear my dog. He is such a lovely boy and every dog should be just like him.

I then brought Snuffy home and went to have my eyes examined...seems I need stronger glasses for the nasty things I do to my eyes. Really, eyes are for seeing, are they not? So what if the seeing is less than optimal. I guess I've been over-extending my poor eyeballs recently and therefore require a new prescription for reading and beading.

Then, I came home to do some nasty dishes, vacuum and generally tidy up but was detered to drive Mini Mole to a friends. This led to a very long and complicated detour that took my all over our fair city....OK, I will divulge a secret to you. I am quietly looking for a new home.

The Mole would have a bird if he knew this, but then the Mole has always seen the greatness of all my plans, after the fact. If it were not for my crazy ideas, we'd never have bought our first house.

I'll keep you posted. For now, I must bathe as the Mall awaits.
Sunday, March 26, 2006
At last...a beautiful sunny morning. I almost feel optimistic.
Here in Southern Ontario, the temperature is about 2 or 3 degrees, the snow is gone (For now) and the sun is blazing away. Its only 8:30am and I'm getting stuff done before I have to leave for work. I have to work on Sundays as I have a little shop in the downtown core and people feel the need to shop on Sundays, here. Besides, it beats the hell out of being permanently available to everyone who would use me throughout the day to further their own agendas. I look at work as a respite from home!!! Hows that for screwed? Thats the way its been here for a year or so.

My 10 day vacation in England is cancelled for reasons too ridiculous to go into(again, a family problem). I thought I was going to get to see my elderly aunts and uncles, probably for the last time, but this isn't to be. I am going to write them each a personal letter to tell them how disappointed I am and ask for pictures. If I am licky enough to get pics from everyone, I am going to do a collage here and share some of my memories.

Well, Hi Ho, Hi Ho..its off to work I go!
Thursday, March 23, 2006
Wonderful Costa Rica

Me and my Mole.
Better days when we got to travel and tan and enjoy some time alone. Still need to lose those unsightly pounds but when I'm happy, I'm fat. The Mole was forced to stay above ground the entire time so he too got some serious sun. I'm going back just as soon as money and obligations allow.
Crawling out from under
I've been having a lot of trouble just getting into my blog these last few days. Things are really slow and sometimes they just stall out and I have had to give up a few times.

I am not a very interesting soul at the moment anyway and am cautiously awaiting the return of my sense of humour. Sharing all my gloominess and worries is just boring so I will be back when things are brighter. I am still reading all your blogs as living vicariously is a suitable lifestyle for me right now.

See you on the flip side!
Friday, March 17, 2006
Back with a vengence
Hey there friends! I've been away for so long that I cant quite remember how much fun this used to be for me. The last 7 days have been a hurricane of MOTHER TROUBLE, with repeated trips to emergency and a couple to the Doctors offices. The entire episode was a surreal experience with a master of manipulation, my Mum, and I have had so much garbage to deal with that my mind has been reduced to that of a zombie. As it turns out, there really isn't anything physically wrong with my mother as can be proven by the 15 seperate tests, 5 Doctors, countless nurses, etc who have checked her out for every concievable problem that can be expected to be found in a senior.

Here is the final diagnosis; anxiety.

It seems that when you secretly medicate yourself for years with a drug that is addictive, you refuse to exercise (and this includes simple walking), when you want your children and friends to pay more attention to you because you feel that you deserve it, you can escalate a simple ache into a full-blown anxiety problem that then manifests itself as sickness. In doing so , you actually get all that attention you crave and can manipulate others to do what you want!

Here is a reply to an email that a friend sent me. She wanted to take me out and get me drunk.

From me to my friend Heather
Its a really nice thought but I know that the storm isn't over yet and I will be on call for quite a while yet.
The best thing that came out of all of this is that strangers, people with professional degress and years of experience, have now told my mother-the evil witch-exactly whats up and now she knows that I know and can't pretend she's well-balanced and that its okay to continue to treat me the way she has and to expect this fucking lifestyle of manipulation to continue.

Lord knows she will try, even as I was driving her home from the hospital she tried to convince me that the doctors dont know things and only she has all the answers to her problem (which in her mind are physical not MENTAL) and expected me to agree with her.

Bottom line.....my mother is a manipulative, controlling, selfish old woman who has never had anyone elses interests at heart, unless they coincide with interests of her own. She is unevolved, self-pitying and destructive and wishes things to stay exactly as they have always been so that she can continue to puppeteer her way through life, demanding attention from people, sympathy when she wants it, guilt when she feels it will further her cause which is HER. She really BELIEVES her own fabrications! Thats the weirdest thing and the thing that keeps on baffling me. Its like dealing with an alien. I dont speak her language.

You are a good friend. I will soon ask for your loving attention but right now I want to dig a big hole and jump in, cover myself with dirt and hide for a week. I am so exhausted and to top everything else off, we will owe money on taxes which means no holiday again this year.

I'll talk to you soon
Thursday, March 16, 2006
Still Here
So many things have occurred over these last 10 days or so it will take me some time to process before I can blog it out. Just to let you know thtat I will be back soon with much news.
Thursday, March 09, 2006
The Moles Birthday
It was the Moles' 41st birthday this past Friday, but with everyone doing their workday thing, it got bumped. "Why don't we do something fun on Saturday?" , I suggested. "Nope, going caving".So Sunday, at his familys insistance, we all went out for breakfast. There was usual arrangements to be considered, like who is going, who needs a ride, who has special needs, is there a restuarant in this city that has room for us all and really wants to put up with us.

After running around, waking people up, taking turns in the bathroom (we only have one), picking up the various passengers that live all over the city, we were off!! A bit frazzled, but on our way.I looked over at the Mole, who got to ride shotgun as its his birthday, and noticed the dark, ominous cloud hovering above his bed-head. "You Okay?" I bravely enquired. "I hate these family breakfasts. I have to baby-sit my father the entire time and make sure he doesn't offend anyone", he offers.GREAT!!! Now he tells me. I could've made him a spectacular breakfast of steak and eggs whilst still in my PJ's and not have had to deal with everyones idiocyncratic needs. But, I put a happy face on, and continued the drive to the restuarant.Upon arrival, I notice a great many people standing around on the sidewalk. It couldn't be a line-up of people wating FOR BREAKFAST, goddam it? But it was. So, now we detour to yet another place with their own line-up , but this one was inside the building, so we stood around trying to make conversation for 20 minutes while the lovely staff moved furniture around for us.As expected, the Mole sat strategically near his father to enable him to throw himself into the ring whenever necessary and, as usual, it was.

The Happy Birthday Breaky ended without bloodshed - a raging success in my books - and we all went our seperate ways. The Mole went to visit a mole-like friend, the Princess demanded a new inner tube for my bike so she and her boyfriend could go bike riding (which entailed a lot of driving around), the Baby Mole went off to play video games, the Moles family went their ways and I WENT TO WORK....Thank God I have work!!! I sometimes think of my little shop as Shangrila, the one place where I am Queen and I make the rules and everyone who visits me is on their best behaviour.So, although I have yet to give the Mole a proper BDay celebration, this upcoming weekend I am going to drive him to Niagara On The Lake and spend a day of site seeing, lunch at an expensive restaurant and away time.Happy Birthday Sweetpea!
Tuesday, March 07, 2006
50 Things
1) I was born in Sherbrooke, Quebec a long time ago.
2) My Big Brother (super geek) attempted to break my arm when I was just a little girl. (He didn't succeed .... yet), although he did manage to inflict me with bursitus(grammar), for which I must endure painful injections of cortisone now.
3) I love dogs and think people who treat their pets less than the family member that they are, should be shot and then chained up in a mud pit in the yard for two years, fed once a week and yelled at every time they try to say something.
4) I believe that everyone has the right to live the way they chose as long as it doesn't cause pain to another human being, animal or the environment in which they live.
5) I love sci-fi, (Star Gate, Firefly, etc.)
6) I will read just about anything but I really sink my teeth into murder/suspence.
7) There are few people I truly respect.
8) Nothing excites my more than potential. A blank canvas, a wall, a stack of pretty paper, all have great potential.
9) Although I try to be patient, on the inside, there is seismic activity.
10) The one thing that makes me want to grow hair on my back and howl at the moon is the use of guilt and manipulation, a technique I have refused to apply to my parenting style.
11) I hate that kids just never seem to leave home! GO..GODAMN IT!
12) I never want to be a Grandma
13) Being married (for Me) is like being an indentured servant with no benifits.
14) I sing to my dog!
15) My big brother is, (secretly), my hero - after my Dad.
16) I smoke and I hate it.
17) Really intelligent people intimidate me.
18) Though I try not to be, I think I'm a lousy parent.
19) By a nasty twist of fate, I ended up with big feet.
20) Despite all my grumping, I think I really need routine.
21) There aren't that many interesting things to say about me.
22) I see the world in shades of grey - unlike my spouse who is all "Black and White".
23) Its been over 12 years since my Dad passed away and I still miss him like he died yesterday.
24) And this is a big one ...my nickname, (given to me by my big brother who now adores me) was HAGIS! Don't ask. It's nasty.
25) I am a top knotch "critter spotter", just ask anyone.
26) My relationship with my Mother is and has always been based on her emotionally stunted world view. Its at best, tolerable and at worst, near homocidal.
27) People like me. Thats cuz I'm nice!
28) Dogs LOVE me. Even the Akeda that everyone is terrified of, who's name is Tundra and who loves to jump up on me, knock me to the ground and smother my face with huge sloppy kisses. He's broken two pairs of sunglasses so far this year - but thats cool.
29) My ultimate goal is to retire from work and the busy life and to live somewhere peaceful where I can paint, throw pottery and pursue my interests in art and nature.
30) My one violent event was when I hit Dianne Z. over the head with my math book in grade 6. After enduring a year of unrelenting bullying because of my English accent, I snapped! Sue me.
31) I like to walk at night so I can look in peoples windows to see how they decorate their homes! I do this from the sidewalk, OK?
32) I have ZERO interest in competitive sports.
33) Just BB here testing stuff. Seems to work fine.

THIS IS DAMN HARD - 18 more things about me, huh?
Saturday, March 04, 2006
The currency of currency
2 bucks, 2 bucks, 2 bucks.....and no, this does not mean 2 large, male deer. If your not North American, it means two dollars. Currency goes like this;
1 cent (or penny)
nickel (5 pennies)
dime (10 pennies)
quarter (25 pennies)
loonie (100 pennies or 1 dollar)
toonie (200 pennies or 2 dollars)
then there are 5 bucks, 10 bucks, 20 bucks, etc.

So why 2 bucks? Well, I have found, in my vast experience of having little cash to play with, that 2 bucks doesn't buy you much. A small coffee and a stale donut, a lighter, a weekend newspaper, a candy bar. But I have found a marvelous way to use a toonie (or 2 bucks) that is a whole lot of fun and enjoyment. It is, in fact a sociological study, a quest, enlightenment, entertainment and a way to kill an hour while you put your thoughts together.

TAKE A BUS RIDE!!!! I found a toonie in my coat pocket on my way in the door, after walking the dog. I stood there looking at it for a moment and turned around and walked right back out and to the end of the street where the bus stop is. Now, I take the bus in the mid winter after work, just to get home faster and to avoid the dark gloomy Ontario winter evening. But its a 5 minute ride and I know the route so well that I dont even have to watch for the stop anymore to know when to pull the "Stop" bell. In fact, the drivers know where I get off and would likely stop even if I didn't ring the bell.

But this time, I got on the bus from a different stop, and just sat there, watching, listening, checking out the passengers and making up life histories, for an entire hour. I watched the houses, shops, traffic go by, let my mind wander and let someone else do the driving FOR ME.

It was terrific! It was a really great way to break up a poisonous thought pattern, to vent steam, to reflect, to relax and to be alone while being with a bunch of other people.

I am going to challenge myself to find a similar use for a loonie. They are easier to find.
So, take a bus ride, go nowhere in particular, destress and watch the world go by.
Wednesday, March 01, 2006
Thought I was being rather stoic and brave and all. Didn't say much about how things are getting to me having the house filled up with demanding, messy, expensive, adult children. REALLY, I told nobody, kept it to myself, stayed away from discussions with others for fear of driving them all away with my whining.

How the hell does everyone now know? Is it that obvious? Am I that transparent?

YEAH!!! Its fucking difficult. Its more than difficult, its bloody awful. Fights, arguements, disputes, serious discussions........ It is very, very hard, especially when we had our much belated honeymoon time together (all of 2 months). It was really, really nice. I even started my long awaited studio. All that has halted and is on "stall" for the forseeable future.

Heres the thing,.....what else is there that I can do? NADDA!!!
This is the home of my children. The place where they feel safe. The place where they run when they need to be comforted, to feel able to cope. HOME.

If my parents ever told me that I could not come home, I would have become an entirely different person. I always knew the option was there if things got so bad that I had to use it.

That is what I will provide for my own kids. This it their SAFE HAVEN, even if it means momentary destruction for me and my Mole. We will cope. We always have.