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Cadw'r Ddysgl yn Wastad
Sunday, February 26, 2006

Saw Robin Williams on The Artists Studio tonight. He always makes me think about how "in the moment" people are. You can be talented, real, self assured and creative, but if you are not "in the moment" you miss everything. I am missing everything. And nobody is to blame but me.

Time and conditioning have everything to do with how this happened to me. Yet, I have to do something to change this pattern, because if I don't, I DIE. I mean that I , the real me, the me that always comes out when opportunity allows and the right combination of personalities allows, will go away for ever and ever, because I am on a percipice of middle age responsibilities that span two opposing generations who both demand everything of me. And the real ME is slowly receeding into a dark and angry place.

Robin Williams is a brilliant, immediate, creative man, but he is also the ONLY child of wealthy parents. I am not any of those things. I fought and continue to fight for a small place to be real and ME. Its a very difficult struggle because every gain is someone elses loss and I've been trained to put everyone else above me. I am, however, starting to believe that this was a mistake. Not just for me, but for anyone who has a relationship with me.

Not to be all esoteric, but....,I have to be good to me to be good to everyone else.

Going to play the keyboard now.